Nothing about food.

I haven't been posting in a while and the first time in a long time I do.. It has nothing to do with food.
There has been so much going on here in Finland. The issue about school bullying and teenage suicide has been raised to the table.
So let's talk about this.
I was surprised to find out that one of my closest friends didn't know about the heartache I still carry inside of me since October 2004.
So let me tell you a story.
My pumpkin was 12 years old. She told me that summer that she was bullied in school. I told her to stand strong, ignore it... I told her they will stop. I told her to have the nerve to speak back if they said anything. I wish I could have been there to beat the living shit out of those fucking brat's that dared to call my baby cousin fat, ugly, short and looking like a boy. I curse the day that I saw those boys and did nothing when she told me that they had called her names.
She was the sweetest person, she was always laughing. She had her little weird things coming to me randomly asking if I am a 'dude' or a 'dudette'.. Playing Hamtaro on her little Gameboy was something we did - it was with her that I first time heard the piece of music that became my favorite thing in this world Moonlight Sonata.
She was like any other tomboy there is, she was no different. But to this day I have never met a personality like hers. She was an honest person, she was honest with her laughter and with her anger. She wasn't one of those people who would fake laugh at things just to make you feel better. She was so amazing. She didn't bring her school problems home...

One day she did go to her teacher telling her that she is being bullied, the teacher told her that she needs to get a grip that it'll get over and she just needs to ignore it... That teacher is one of the reasons she is not with us anymore. That teacher did nothing.

Early morning in October 19th in 2004, my 3 cousins were sleeping at home while their parents had left for work. The older sister wakes up at 8:30 am (if I remember the time correctly) to see her little brother sleeping. She is wondering where her sister is, she can't be gone because they were supposed to walk to school together. She walks from their shared bedroom to the chilly living room to see the balcony door had been left open - this is the moment when she sensed that something is wrong. She slowly walks to the balcony and looks down the sight is unbearable and she cannot believe her eyes. Her 12 year old baby sister's body is laying on the grass 11 floors below their balcony, laying there in her white nightgown that she slept in the night before, the nightgown that she had put on to go to bed and that she was wearing when she wished goodnight to her family.
My cousin then picks up the phone and in panic calls 911 telling them that her sister, her 12 year old sister has fallen from their balcony on the 11th floor.

I remember that summer when their little brother almost climber across that same balcony and nearly fell and that 12 year old girl saved her brother from a certain death... now that balcony was the thing that dropped her to hers. I like to think that she just tried to fly away, but her wings were cut and that is why she fell.

I bet those bullies don't think about her now. They don't think that they killed somebody, no. Because schools like to keep kid's 'safe' from things like these. They don't think that sheltering them from the results that bullying can lead to is what keeps them so blinded from the reality. If you make somebody's life miserable - you might become a murdered and just because you didn't pull the trigger does not make you any less responsible.

Bullying in school is what brought me to my eating disorder when I was younger, mean and evil people are what keeps me in this circle. But at least I am still here. Even thought I won't deny trying to end my life many times.
I think the last attempt was harder on my good friend at that time.
When I had taken xanax and vicodin more than I should have, slit my wrists and passed out on my bed when that friend came to my home to find me unconscious laying in the puddle of my own blood and that friend stayed next to me for over 24 hours until i came back. That friend was there to make me drink water when I was sweating everything and shaking from the overdose. That still didn't kill me. I broke the wings of a butterfly that day, but atleast I am still alive and that made me see that no matter what, world is beautiful and I don't need to surround myself with those evil people. Those evil people are the one's that should be (and in reality - probably are) just simply miserable.

I might not love myself and you might not either, but I know I hate them too much to let them win.



xoxo,

Amylee